The Pulsing of His Heart and Mine
Coping with the aftermath of a loved one’s unexpected collapse
Written November 2022
How was I to be ready for an early death? As I rushed to find him, fallen, eyes rolled back, tongue out, body stuck between the railing and the machine, convulsing. His body warm, then gradually becoming still. This is not how it was going to happen. My brain in high-speed slow motion. This was not what I spun the dice for.
I’ve heard that some people put the past in the past. There’s something zen about that approach. And maybe beautiful. But for me, it's not been that easy. This week I'm living in the aftershock of a nightmare that thankfully ended with my beloved waking up. I got to wake up from the nightmare too. And watch the pumpkin pies rise on Thanksgiving, the creamer poured into the coffee, and the nervous chocolate pudding, trembling on his hospital tray, that he wouldn't eat.
Yes, I got to wake up from the nightmare, but my being is still on high alert. A loaded gun ready for anything. A heart that turned inside out this morning when I called him down for lunch. And when he didn’t immediately respond, I watched his death once again flash before my eyes. Hours later, the adrenaline is still pulsing with nowhere to go except back and forth, a gentle slosh in my chest. Sitting like the last of the dishwater with the drain filled with debris. Percolating down through the pits in my stomach to the pads of my feet, which still quiver as I walk.
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